(BL) Taming the Field Guide

Chapter 191: Casper’s very exciting conversation part 1

Casper couldn’t think straight. He knew that he had been at Kellen and the Captain’s apartment before this, he knew that he had to be on his best behaviour, but he also knew that he was drunk.

He’d tried not to get that way. He’d watched as Kellen hadn’t been drinking much and had wanted to emulate him but having Theodore in the same room as him and glancing at him over and over.

Casper wouldn’t lie and say that he’d been...sane in the last little bit. Spending more time around Kellen and the others who after their call out of his behaviour had been treating him with respect still, brought to light that Casper was...damaged. Casper had been avoiding dealing with it, but now?

Now he couldn’t. Which meant that the little bit of relief he’d felt having Theodore in staying in the room next to him and visiting him had disappeared. It had been replaced with fear and guilt over what he had done. How he had turned Theodore’s life upside down.

So yeah, he’d had a really rough reaction to Theodore offering to help him to his apartment. He didn’t want to bother him more than he already had.

Casper wasn’t even sure if he should be around him anymore. Casper had been too excited about having Theodore back that he’d been blinded by his own issues and hadn’t even realised that maybe Theodore didn’t want to be around him anymore.

He just wasn’t sure how his realisation had led to this outcome.

Casper in Theodore’s arms, both of them awkward and silent as they rode down in the elevator from Kellen and the Captain’s place.

"Um, you can put me down now, Theodore." Casper said carefully. Instead of having the reaction that he expected, Theodore tightened his grip on him. His jaw was tense, his anger evident but Casper couldn’t understand why he was mad.

Casper was trying to leave him alone because he realised that he was wrong. Theodore had also put some distance between them in the last couple of days as well. Casper wasn’t understanding what was going on here, and he knew that in his current state that he wouldn’t be able to either.

"No." His tone was final, and Casper stared at him blankly.

"Why? I can walk." Casper protested. Theodore turned his gaze down towards Casper as the elevator dinged and Casper knew they were on their level.

"I know you can walk, but that doesn’t mean that you should. I have two strong arms so you don’t need to walk." Casper didn’t understand why his two strong arms had anything to do with it. Theodore didn’t need to carry him at all.

"I know you’re strong. That doesn’t mean you need to carry me when I can walk now that we’re on our level." Theodore let out a loud, annoyed groan and Casper flinched.

"Casper, for the love of fucking-you agreed to let me carry you earlier, why are you now taking it back? Do you not want me to carry you? Do I disgust you or something now?" Theodore tsked. "I shouldn’t even be arguing with a damn drunk. I should know better." He sounded angry and bitter, and Casper felt like a hand tightened around his heart in his chest. It squeezed tightly and Casper gasped lowly.

"You could never disgust me." Casper said quietly. "Never. I just...I can’t understand why you’re helping me. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around. Out of everyone you should be the one most angry at me. You should be the one who hates me. Why are you even offering to carry me?" Casper turned his gaze up towards Theodore.

His glasses were askew so he had to adjust them but that didn’t mean he couldn’t see the handsome face before him. Theodore had always been handsome, with or without his long, icy white hair. He’d always liked that he had that aloof look about him but was still very dedicated to those who he shared his heart with. His black eyes that looked more like a sea creature from old then a regular human always drew Casper in.

He liked them, liked how calm and peaceful it felt looking into their black depths. He’d always found being around Theodore comforting. Like hearing the ocean beat against the coastline.

"Did you never consider that I could never hate you?" Theodore asked quietly. Casper paused. He dropped his gaze, his face scrunching up with his own emotions. He bit his lip, his shoulders shaking slightly.

"No. I hurt you. I ruined everything, and then I blamed you for it." Casper whispered. "Why would you ever forgive me for that?" Casper’s words might have been slightly slurred, but the heart was there. Theodore groaned.

"Of course the only time you want to have a serious fucking conversation is when-fuck." Theodore cursed loudly and Casper winced.

"I’m sorry." Casper whispered and Theodore growled.

"Don’t you fucking dare apologise like that. I’m not really mad at you. I’m just mad at the fucking situation." Theodore told him. Casper didn’t say anything as he picked up the pace. There was silence for a moment. "My place or yours?" Theodore asked and Casper paused.

"What?"

"Do you want to talk at my place, or yours?" Theodore asked and Casper froze. Every part of him wanted to say Theodore’s place. He wanted to know what it looked like, how he had made it his own, but he also didn’t want to impose on him. He’d already done that enough. Plus, he was drunk, but he wasn’t that drunk.

"Whatever makes you comfortable." Casper muttered. The sound that left Theodore’s lips was a warning sound. Deep, rumbling, and had everything in Casper’s body standing on end. He wasn’t scared though. Casper felt a deep flush cross his cheeks.

"You always fucking wish wash. You always are so damn passive. It makes me want to turn you over onto your stomach over my knees and spank you." Casper sucked in, the first time he’d ever heard anything like this out of Theodore’s lips. "Not hard. Never hard. Fuck, I shouldn’t even be saying any of this to you. You’re probably going to not remember anything but this tomorrow." Theodore laughed like he was making fun of himself and Casper let out a shaky breath.

"That’s rude. I’ll remember everything we talk about." Casper shot back.

"Then look at me and tell me how hearing that made you feel, Cas." Theodore’s voice was against Casper’s right ear and Casper flinched. It wasn’t out of fear and completely out of shock. Theodore, however, didn’t think that was the case. "See? You can’t even look at me right now. What the hell was I even thinking? I’ll make sure you get to your room safely Cas. I won’t harm you." His words sounded like a promise and a threat all wrapped in one.

Casper had a feeling that if he didn’t speak up now, this would be the future ahead of him. Theodore would leave him alone and despite everything, that wasn’t what Casper wanted. Did he think it was a smart idea to speak to Theodore about anything right now? No, but he couldn’t let him think for even a moment that Casper was scared of him.

"I-I was just shocked!" Casper’s voice was too loud, too aggressive and Theodore wasn’t the only one who winced as the words left his mouth. Casper nearly jumped at the sound of his own voice. "I’m not scared of you." Casper managed to speak quieter that time. His face was on fire, his hands knotted together and his fingers white from how hard he was squeezing them. "You’ve just never spoken about me like that." Casper knew how surprised he sounded and Theodore paused.

"Oh. Um, I apologise then. I shouldn’t say something like that about you right now. You’re not in your right mind and I don’t want you to think I’d take advantage of you in this situation." Theodore said. Casper scoffed.

"You never would. You should be worried that I would." Casper muttered. "After all, I’m the one who hurt you." Casper froze. Theodore froze, and then he started laughing. It was a strange feeling to be in the arms of the man he loved while he laughed. It was even more surprising when Theodore held him closer, tucking him even tighter against his body as he laughed like he wanted to hold him closer.

Casper wasn’t a big enough person to deny how warm and fuzzy that made him feel inside. Casper slid his gaze upwards, looking up at the man through his glasses, the hand around his heart loosening as he watched the other man laugh. That was...nice.

"Cas, you can’t hurt me." Theodore told him, smiling with a warmth that Casper was surprised by. "Alright, I decided we’re still going to talk. We’ll go to your place so that I feel less inclined to do anything." Casper stared at Theodore blankly.

"What is that supposed to mean?" He asked dumbly and Theodore’s return smile had Casper’s face feeling a little too hot.

"Cas, don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to." Theodore told him and Casper wanted to open his mouth, say that he did want to know the answer, but kept his mouth shut. Instead, he listened to Theodore and kept his mouth shut. Theodore chuckled, squeezing Casper tighter against him again. "Good." Casper felt his face warm.

Good...what? What was he saying right now?

Casper’s head was spinning as Theodore continued to bring them towards their rooms. They didn’t have any guards outside of their rooms since the Captain had granted everyone a break today. That might have been a reason that Theodore could have used to come into Casper’s room but Casper was a little glad that he didn’t.

Theodore paused at the door, letting Casper fumble for his key in his clothes to open the door and then carefully stepped inside.

Casper couldn’t get used to the room. It was too plain, too cookie-cutter and unlike his own home that it felt foreign. He knew that the others didn’t mind that their homes were copy and paste, but Casper wasn’t like that. He put a lot of thought and care into the spaces that he considered his own. It was why Theodore’s actual apartment in the tower was a bit different compared to these rooms they had temporarily been given.

After all, Casper had years to slowly and carefully add touches of life to his apartment. Casper wasn’t even sure if Theodore knew that he’d been doing it, and that was a small victory in Casper’s mind. A picture there, a fake plant here. A nice couple of cups, some soft cushions.

Theodore needed a new couch? Oh, well, Casper had bought his couch from this company, why don’t they look at couches together? Casper really thought he’d been so slick, but now that it felt like the bandage was no longer covering the truth, he wondered if he really had been as slick as he thought?

Or, had Theodore just given into Casper’s whims because, well, he liked him as much as Casper did? It was a tough pill to swallow, but not one that Casper hated.

"D-Did you want something to drink?" Casper asked, turning to look back at Theodore after they had taken off their shoes. "I don’t have any alcohol, but Kellen brought over some tea last time." Casper offered. Theodore had finished locking the door and turned. The smile that he gave Casper made his heart freeze.

"That sounds great, Cas." How was Casper going to make it through this conversation in one piece?